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The no contact rule is the foundational and most widespread piece of breakup advice. Every blogger and their dog recommends it these days. And for good reasons.
It’s one of the most effective ways to recover from a breakup, grow as a person, and ultimately, get into a position where you have the best chance of getting your ex back — even if you’ve been desperate and needy; even if your ex is one hell of a stubborn nut.
Yet, despite its glaring popularity, the no contact rule is also one of the most misunderstood pieces of breakup advice.
In this article, I’ll shed some light on the whole thing. By the end of the read, you’ll know what the no contact rule is and isn’t, its benefits, intricacies, the psychology behind it, and how to apply it to get your ex back or get over them faster.
So go and make yourself some hot cocoa, pour five shots of whiskey in it, and let’s do this shit.
Note: If you’d like to learn about the no contact rule through a different format, here’s a Youtube video explaining this article. Enjoy.
The no contact rule translates to emotionally and physically separating yourself from your ex by, as the name implies, cutting or limiting contact with them.
So from now on, stick to the following:
General No Contact Guidelines:
- Don’t call, message, or engage with your ex’s social media anymore.
- Unfriend and unfollow them and go on a social media detox (more on this later).
- Don’t go to places where you’d have an “accidental” encounter with them.
- Don’t wish them happy Birthday, Valentine’s, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.
- Don’t express your condolences if they lose a family member or a friend.
- Hide every reminder of them that’s within your control.
- Avoid going to places that elicit (or can potentially elicit) painful memories.
Handling Mutual friends:
- Cut mutual friends out of your life until you’ve somewhat moved on. Or at least distance yourself from them.
- Don’t hang out with them just to babysit your reputation and play the pleaser.
- Always cut out shit stirrers — people that contribute to drama between you and your ex.
- Instruct your mutual friends to not come to you with any information about your ex.
- Avoid fishing for information, be that directly or indirectly.
- Don’t hold yourself hostage to uncomfortable ex-related conversations and don’t be shy about asking your friends to change the topic.
- If your friendships enable you to maintain any sort of connection to your ex, you’re breaking no contact and should stop immediately.
- Don’t expect or demand that your friends side with you when it comes to your breakup.
- If you’re close with your ex’s family, do call /visit them/send an email (but not a text) and let them know that you’ll be out of touch for a while.
- If they ask for reasons, just tell them you’re hurting and need time to heal. No shame in this.
- Don’t feel guilty if they suddenly start droning on how your ex needs you to be a better person or whatever.
- Don’t stress if they reach out. They may still be a bit attached to you and will have to go through their own light version of the grieving process.
- Do not request your ex’s family members to pass information about them to you or vice versa.
- Retrieve your stuff (if your ex won’t return something and it’s of great sentimental or monetary value, pursue a legal route).
- Give back their stuff (either do it yourself in person, via mail, or ask a friend to bring all the items to your ex so you can minimize contact).
- For joint possessions, do an inventory and divide the items purchased together appropriately. This may be based on value or attachment. And if there’s a legal process involved, consider opting for solicitors or a mediator, although it obviously costs less if you can sort it out amicably yourselves.
What The No Contact Rule Is Not
Many people confuse the no contact rule with punishment, game-play, or a gimmick. And as a result they feel too guilty and icky about committing to it, and instead keep reaching out to their ex until they get slapped with a restraining order.
Let’s sort this shit once and for all.
The No Contact Rule Is Not Punishment
You’re not punishing your ex by doing it, even if it sometimes feels like it. The only time no contact becomes punishment is when you do it with the aim of hurting them or manipulatingso give you another chance.
The No Contact RuleIs Not Game-Playing
Silent treatments,power-plays, reverse psychology, etc. — no contact is none of that. Besides, those things don’treallywork, they’re merelyplacebos for helping you avoid emotional problems. And they often do more harm than good to your mental health and relationships.
The No Contact RuleIs Not A Gimmick
A better way to describe it is as a positive, empowering, and self-affirming lifestyle you embody that’s rooted in self-respect,self-love, andvulnerability.
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Generally, the no contact rule is most appropriate in the following situations:
- When you want to raise your ex’s attraction and come across more enticing.
- When you want to move on but don’t know how.
- When your ex is giving you mixed signals.
- When your ex keeps treating you as an option/plan B.
- When you want to rebuild and/or improve your self-esteem.
- When you’re obsessively stalking your ex.
- When you’re dealing with an abusive, obsessive, or controlling ex.
- When you’re suffering from codependency or a lack of healthy boundaries.
- When your ex is in another relationship.
- When you’ve been rejected by your ex several times but still keep going back.
- When you’ve been involved in a toxic relationship.
- When you’ve broke up and got back together several times.
- When you’ve forgotten who you are, your values, needs, hobbies, family, friends, etc. — and became isolated by your relationship.
- When your ex is continuing to see you even though they’re committed to someone else.
How To Start The No Contact Rule
For those who want to get their ex back:
Afteryou break up, but stillbeforeyou apply the no contact rule, you should clearly tell your ex that you want them back.
I’d say something like, “Hey Ex. This is kind of random, forgive me for being honest, but I need to get this off my chest. I love you, I miss you, and I truly want to make things work between us. If you’re ever feeling the same way, reach out, let me know, and we can try again. My door is open for you. In any case, thanks for everything.”
You can do it through text, social media, a phone call, or in real life — the medium is irrelevant. It also doesn’t matter when your breakup happened. Same story with who’s the dumper and the dumpee or whether your ex is indifferent to you or upset.
If, after stating your interest, your ex is receptive or implies that they want to get back with you, invite them on a date and start mending your relationship. In this case, no contact is not needed. But if they’re cold and unreceptive, or if they’ve blocked, ghosted,ignored, or rejected you, end the conversation and start/continue with no contact.
To read a in-depth step-by-step guide on how to get your ex back,click here.
For those who want to move on for good:
Don’t think about it and just go no contact. If you want, you can also tell your ex that you’ll be distancing yourself for a certain undefined period so you can heal faster, and that you’d appreciate if they don’t reach out for the time being — at least not if it’s not urgent.
I’d say (or text) something like, “Hey, I know we said we will still be in each other’s lives and be friends. But speaking to you is not helping me heal from the breakup. I need some space and time for myself so I can get some perspective and heal. I don’t wish to speak to you for a few weeks/months. Maybe we can start speaking again when I am feeling better. I hop e you understand.”
In other words, make your notifying message short, to the point, and respectful, as well as devoid of dramatic declarations of feelings. And if your ex replies, don’t respond. This not only goes against the ethos of no contact, but also quickly drags you back into discussion and undermines your credibility.
To read a in-depth step-by-step guide on how to get over your ex,click here.
Sometimes the classic no contact rule is impossible to apply. Maybe you have kids or pets with your ex, or perhaps you live or work together. In these cases, you must resort to what’s called themodifiedno contact rule.
The difference between classic and modified is that, in modified, you’re “allowed” to contact your ex and communicate if it’s important. Like when you need to discuss who will look after your kid or dog for the weekend. Or when there’s a living arrangement that needs to be settled. Or when you need to go over a work-related matter.
Now despite being able to communicate with your ex, this communication does need to be brief, straight to the point, and only focused on the pressing challenge(s). And you need to end it as soon as you agree upon some mutually favorable arrangement, decision, or solution.
If you want to get back with your ex — in cases when your ex wants to steer away from logistics and talk about something personal, try setting a definite date by responding with something like, “Tell you what, I’d rather have us discusskids/pets/living arrangements/work now. But why don’t we go out this Friday night and we can talk about all this more personal stuff then — what do you say; it’ll be fun?”
If you want to move on for good — in cases when your ex wants to steer away from logistics and talk about something personal, respectfully change the subject by responding with something akin to, “I get where you’re coming from, but I’m not ready to talk about that yet. Still have a lot of healing to do. Please respect that. Now, let’s get back to talking about our kids/pets/living arrangements/work.”
And in cases where there is a conflict, solve it amicably.
First, calm the fuck down. Try taking a couple of deep breaths while you’re arguing. If that’s impossible or doesn’t help, call a time-out. Tell your ex, “Hey, this is getting way out of hand, let’s take a quick break, so we can cool down, and then let’s talk about this like adults, without all the drama. I want to get to the bottom of it, just not in this furious and emotional state.”
Second, figure out what the issue is how to resolve it. Try to genuinely understand where your ex is coming from and reflect on why you’re arguing in the first place. Usually, it’s because of emotional shit or a difference in values. The former could be an argument about one person being distant, and the letter could argument about one person wanting to raise their child one way and the other another way.
Third, resolve the issue. Whether that means making a compromise or enforcing your boundaries further. Just remember to do it respectfully and calmly.
Ultimately, the modified no-contact rule commands much higher levels of self-control to pull off than its classic counterpart. Plus, it’s not nearly as effective when it comes to recovery or re-attraction. But fuck it — sometimes you just don’t have a choice. Make the best with what you have.
How Long Should The No Contact Rule Last
It should always be a permanent thing. I sometimes call this the “indefinite no contact rule.” It’s essentially the equivalent of walking away and never looking back after breaking up.
If you want your ex back, you should only give them another shot by inviting them on a date if they reach out first. As far as you’re concerned, you should focus on recovery and growth. At best, find someone else. Sounds counterintuitive, butletting your ex go truly is the most surefire way to get them back. The best way to get anyone’s attention is to remove yours.
And if you want to pursue friendship with your ex, feel free to do so, but only if there are absolutely no shards of emotional attachment, baggage, or the desire of rekindling things present on either side.
This is a funny topic. I’ve seen lots of coaches advocating for making the no contact period between 30 and 60 days. And I’ve seen them encourage others to reach out to their ex once they pass that X-day mark.
This shit never made any sense to me — especially when you’re the dumpee, which most people reading this article are.
Granted you are the dumpee, doing time-limited no contact only incentivizes you to passively wait for the X-day period to pass. Therefore, your intentions and efforts are no longer set onhealingand personal growth but largely on forceful reconciliation. And that never works out.
It’s needy and therefore unattractive. It implies you perceive yourself as less worthy than your ex (you see them on a pedestal). It shows you’re willing to go out of your way to accommodate and fight for someone who clearly doesn’t appreciate it or wants you around. And that only conveys that you have little to no self-respect and have nothing better going on in your life.
My theory is that all forms of X-day no contact are just another marketing ploy. People don’t want to hear how their ex should show willingness to mend things by reaching out first before they ever give them another chance.
Of course not. Most people just want to hear what feels good.Wait X days and reach out with this proven “happy reminder text message!” And since this feel-good bullshit sells more ex-back products than the harsh truth, most people (see: fake gurus) working in this slimy industry swear by it.
No Contact Rule Psychology
I could write pages on the psychology of the no contact rule, but I don’t want you to fall asleep, so I’ll keep things brief and practical.
The first thing to grasp is that love — largely fuelled by the physical and emotional proximity to your ex — forces your body to release oxytocin, endorphin, serotonin, and dopamine. Experts refer to these chemicals as The Love Chemicals. (1)
Now when you go no contact and consequently distance yourself from your ex, you obstruct their flow and prevent them from triggering. This obstruction is then ultimately what forces your descend into panic and distress.
What you’re dealing during these Love Chemical lacking, panicky and painful moments is a literal addiction — an ex-addiction.
Some of its main behavioral, psychological, and physiological effects include: a desperate desire for reconciliation, possessiveness, rumination, mood swings, profuse sweating, shaky hands, pounding heart, heightened codependency, inflated sexual desire, anxiety, and depression. (2)(3)(4)
The Psychology Of No Contact On The Dumpee
Dumpees, on average, feel more overwhelmed, worried, and anxious when in no contact compared to dumpers. Largely because they’re seldom prepared for the breakup — most don’t even anticipate it.
They’re also the ones who typically (consciously or unconsciously) want to continue talking to their ex, dating them, or at least maintaining afriendship. Unfortunately, their wishes are rarely met. At worst, their craving for closeness only results in their ex using them and stringing them along.
The Psychology Of No Contact On The Dumper
While dumpers, like the dumpees, may also want their ex back and could be looking forsigns they still have a chance, they do have it easier after applying the no contact rule recovery-wise.
For starters, they usually aren’t as overwhelmed with emotions. They also have fewer desperate inclinations to get back with their ex. And they tend to go through their breakup stages and bounce back to a generally happy and more stable life faster than dumpees.
The Psychology Of No Contact For Men And Women
There’s a lot ofhooplaaround male and female no contact psychology. But my theory is that it’s all a marketing ploy.
Many dishonest breakup coaches createartificial complexityaround the problems they’re solving on purpose in order to appeal to their potential customers’ biases and frustrations and help them make more money.
And it’s this sort of artificial complexity from which the “female/male no contact psychology” question stems from. The reality however, is that there are no noteworthydifferences in how men and women respondto no contact.
Sure, women are, on average more emotional, so the no contact period is sometimes more turbulent for them. And men are, on average, more emotionally closed off, which sometimes makes them suffer more than women following a breakup due to suppression.
But that’s really where the differences end. From a broader perspective, the similarities men and women share far outweigh their differences.
When your ex broke up with you, they’re implying that a) their attraction for you dropped at some point, and b) because of their drop in attraction, they no longer want you in their life (at least not in the same capacity as you want them).
These things most often happen because you’ve been displaying too many unattractive behaviours, including: chasing and pursuing your ex, begging and pleading with them to come back, failing to stand up for yourself, mindlessly pleasing them, prioritizing their needs instead of your own, showing a lack of self-respect, among many others.
This is where the no contact rule comes to the rescue.
It helps you avoid displaying more unattractive behaviours and it sparks your ex’s curiosity, and gives them the space and freedom to re-choose you at their own pace, all of which makes them more likely to think about you, miss you, and eventually reach out.
Studies show that 40-60% of exes keep in touch after their breakup, and in 90% of the cases, their contact is initiated within the first few months following it. Still, don’t confuse this seemingly positive statistic with the odds of getting back with an ex. Those are still crap. (5)(6)(7)
Also, remember that while the no contact rule contributes to getting your ex interested and willing to date you again, it doesn’t help youkeep them. Especially not if your relationship was toxic or if you’re incompatible. That’s what self-examination and improvement are for. And that’s why you should always couple no contact with self-examination and improvement for best results.
Why Is The No Contact Rule So Effective At Breakup Recovery
While there are many reasons, here are four I find most important.
The No Contact Rule Lessens Intrusive Thoughts
But there’s a catch: while it decreases the number ofintrusive thoughts in the long term, it does increase them in the short term. So while going no contact may hurt at the start, it still saves you lots of unnecessary suffering in the future, rendering the whole thing worth sticking to.
The No Contact Rule Decreases Negative Feelings And Attachment
Psychological studies show that when you cut contact with your ex, the frequency and intensity of negative thoughts about your breakup and the emotional attachment you harbor toward your ex decrease linearly over time. (8)(9)
The No Contact Rule Makes It Easier To “Find Yourself”
In other words, applying the no contact rule helps you reflect on what’s actually important in your life and enables you to make better decisions about your newly formed values, beliefs, and narratives that you’re experimenting with.
The No Contact Rule Helps You See The Bigger Picture
Meaning, it enables you start perceiving your loss not as some major life crisis, but a simple problem everyone encounters at some point. And it helps you to see that you don’t need your ex to be happy and that you had everything required to be happy inside you all along.
Below is a rough timeline of what you may feel during no contact and when it’ll start working, so you’ll know what to expect every step of the way. And while not everyone goes through this exact timeline, it’s one I keep seeing with my readers repeatedly.
Note:your no contact timeline is contingent upon many factors. These include the level of your self-esteem and resilience, the quality of your lifestyle, the type and length of your relationship, the intensity and number of your prior breakups, and unforeseen circumstances (i.e., breaking up with a friend or family member, having someone close die, losing a job, having your business go bankrupt).
After 1-3 Weeks Of No Contact
Your emotions will go haywire. You’ll simultaneously feel shock, shame, fear,anger, sadness, anxiety, and devastation. You’ll also lash out at others, contemplate revenge, feel as though you’re unworthy, find it impossible to move on, constantlymissand obsess over your ex, and struggle with intense urges to break no contact.
After One Month Of No Contact
This is where things get easier. Sure, you’ll still blame, criticize, and belittle yourself, and feel like shit. And you’ll also still be coming up with futile ideas about breaking no contact. But at least a) you’ll probably get better at dealing with your urges and emotions, b) your urges and emotions will subside and get easier to deal with, or c) a little bit of both.
After Two Months Of No Contact
You’ll hardly get any urges to break no contact. You also won’t be checking your phone for your ex’s text every damn second, and you’ll be open to finding a new date or partner. It is, however, still normal to want your ex back at this point, especially if you’ve had a long and serious relationship with them.
After Three Months Of No Contact
Your confidence and mojo will come back if they haven’t already, and most of your urges to break no contact will abate. This is usually also the period of rediscovery for most people — a period where your focus entirely shifts from your ex to you (although, again, it’s still normal to want your ex back at this point).
After 4-12 Months Of No Contact
This is a period ofacceptance. During it, your chances of full recovery will be sky-high. Just don’t get me wrong: this doesn’t necessarily mean getting over an ex or losing the desire to get back with them. It simply means being okay with and feeling like yourself despite being broken up.
Two Warnings When Going No Contact
- The first 30 to 60 days of no contact will be a wild ride. But once you make it through, things get exponentially easier.
- Your mind will try to screw you over when you start no contact, so stay vigilant and don’t give in. Not only will it force you to break it, it’ll try to trick you into it by feeding you thoughts like “Just one text won’t cause harm,” “Maybe I should just check up on their Instagram posts,” or “I still have my ex’s old shirt, maybe I should contact them about it.”
Signs The No Contact Rule Is Working
There are plenty of signs indicating the no contact rule is working as it should. Below are the most glaring ones. The first half relate to getting back with an ex. while the second half to breakup recovery.
Signs No Contact Is Working For Re-Attraction
1. Your ex reaches out. Whether their contact is in the form of an obnoxious, “I miss you and can’t live without you,” or the subtle, “This thing reminded me of you,” it’s a good indicator that they’re interested again. The only exception is when your ex tries to talk about logistics like kids, shared possessions, living arrangements, work projects, etc.
2. Your ex becomes more responsive after no contact.This is easy to spot. It’s when they don’t need much time to respond to your texts or calls, when they don’t think twice about meeting up with you, or when theyunblockyou from social media.
3. Your ex responds quickly and enthusiastically. If you’re getting a series of quick and enthusiastic responses from your ex, it means no contact is probably working. But this sign is tricky to interpret since, “a series of quick and enthusiastic responses” is different for everyone. Be careful.
4. Your ex is asking around about you. Specifically, your friends and family. Another sign that piggybacks on this one is when your ex sends their friends to gather information about you through the people you know.
5. Your ex directly or indirectly communicates that they still have feelings for you. Meaning, they invite you out, tag along wherever you go, put themselves into your orbit, talk about your future, or blatantly tell you how they miss you, love you, or want to get back together.
Signs No Contact Is Working For Recovery
1. You’re starting to feel more like yourself again.When you’re in a relationship, you often compromise on things like your hobbies, interests, and schedule. The no contact rule gives you time and space to focus on yourself, and you may find that you’re starting to feel more like your old self again.
2. You’re not constantly checking their social media. One of the hardest things about a breakup is resisting the urge to check your ex’s social media profiles. If you find that you’re not constantly checking their updates, it’s a sign that you’re moving on.
3. You’re not obsessing over the breakup.When a relationship ends, it’s natural to think about it a lot. However, if you find that you’re not constantly thinking about the breakup or obsessing over what went wrong, it’s a sign that you’re starting to heal.
4. Encountering your ex doesn’t make you anxious.Instead, you’re swamped by relaxation and the feeling where you have nothing left to prove to them, novalidationyou’d want from them, or anyexpectationsaround the encounter.
5. You’re seeing progress in other areas of your life. The no contact rule gives you time and space to focus on other areas of your life, such as your career, hobbies, and friendships. If you’re seeing progress in these areas, it’s a sign no contact is doing its magic.
I won’t dig deep into what to do after going no contact because I’ve already explained it in inthis article, as well asthis one. But I will list some general areas you should focus on and make progress in.
- Get quality sleep — invest in proper sleep-enhancing gadgets, routines, accessories, and supplements.
- Get or stay in shape — move your body, don’t turn into a couch potato.
- Start or maintain a healthy diet — cut out or limit sugar, carbs, and processed and fried food.
- Keep your hygiene in check — stay clean and neat and don’t be a slob.
- Learn to manage your emotions better — viameditation,journaling,gratitude practices,therapy, etc.
- Find something more important than your breakup to focus on — a movement, cause, purpose, etc.
- Leverage yoursupport system— friends, peers, family, and counselors/therapists.
- Start dating — but only if dating begins to feel fun and exciting.
- Work on raising your self-worth and lowering your neediness.
- Develop solid boundaries and learn how to assert them.
- Develop characterto become an interesting person worth coming back to.
- Cultivate an abundance mindset and drop the scarcity one.
- Overcome anylimiting beliefs— for example, “I’m unworthy/unlovable of X.”
- Learn how to leverage vulnerability and an interesting lifestyle to become more attractive.
- Acquire the necessary skills to cultivate ahealthy relationshipwith your ex if you start dating.
What To Avoid After Applying The No Contact Rule
Whether you just started no contact or you’re months in, there are certain things you should never do. Not only will these things prevent you from recovering and growing as a person, but they’ll also sabotage your re-attraction attempts. Here they are.
Repression And Suppression
Suppressing and repressing your emotions means pushing them down instead of feeling them wholly. The only difference between the two is that when we repress our emotions, we push them down unconsciously, and when we suppress them, we push them down consciously. (10)
In both cases, the more you do it, the worse you’ll feel, and the more mood swings, temper tantrums, and general irritability you’ll experience while trying to maintain no contact.
Escapism is when you avoid facing and overcoming painful feelings by indulging in various trivial pursuits or distractions. These can be playing video games, exercising, drinking, shopping, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing bad about occasional distractions, but it is bad when they become frequent.
For example, playing video games for a few hours every evening to get your mind off no contact is healthy. But having a two-week-24/7 video game binge to keep you preoccupied isn’t.
Over-expression is another word forlousy emotional management. And God; does lousy emotional management pop up during the first few months of no contact. It happens to almost everyone. The act essentially refers to venting your negativity and frustrations to the point where it gets smothering and annoying for the person or people you’re interacting with.
Seeking validationis essentially seeking confirmation of something. In your case, this is usually the answer to whether or not your ex still feels something for you.
Now, seeking validation is counterintuitive to doing no contact. How are you supposed to cut communication, take care of yourself, grieve your relationship, and ultimately either move on or get your ex back, if you’re still nagging them and looking to get something from them? It’s a recipe for disaster.
And here’s the worst part: even if you do get some validation, you’ll likely find that it falls short of what you expected it would feel like. This is because the validation you actually need is the internal kind coming from yourself.
Expect nothing when going no contact. Act as if your ex is out of the picture until proven otherwise. That is, until they reach out. Likewise, don’t delude yourself into thinking that no contact will be easy. It will hurt, sometimes pushing you to the brink of madness. Expect it. Mentally prepare for it by visualizing the worst-case scenarios and what you’d do if one happens.
A lot of people, obsess about their ex during no contact. It’s safe to say that that’s probably the worst thing you can do. It only amplifies frustration, stress, worry, and fear with act as catalysts for neediness and self-sabotaging tendencies.
If you find yourselfobsessing over your ex(hint: you’ve read at least five other articles on the no contact rule), remind yourself that it’s bad for your sanity and to stayin no contact. Then distract yourself with something else that can hold your interest and engage you — but not to the point where it becomes escapism.
Badmouthing Your Ex
Put plainly: don’t talk shit about your ex to your friends — especially not to mutual ones. I know you’re emotional right now, but you’ve got to prevent yourself from slipping.
Regardless of how often friends promise they won’t tell your ex what you’ve said, there’s always one or two bad actors who will.
Handling Social Media Immaturely
Don’t stalk your ex, share cringey, depressing, or sad quotes and memes, or try to make your ex jealous by posting pictures of attractive people of the opposite sex on your timelines or exciting updated from your life.
Go on a social media detox instead — a conscious elimination or restriction of social media use for a set period of time (usually 30-90 days) so you can emotionally distance yourself from your ex and anything that may remind you of them and re-open your breakup wounds.
While I wrote an entire guide on the social media detox that you can read by clicking here, here’s a summary:
- Unfollow your ex on all social media platforms and delete your chats and email exchanges.
- Delete your ex’s phone number, your texting exchanges, and all of their photos and videos.
- Unfollow anyone who may trigger an ex-related memory and upset you.
- Set up newsfeed killers and website and app blockers on both, your computer and your phone.
- If you want your ex back, don’t delete social media pictures of you and them together. This will only leave a bad taste in their mouth if they notice it and make them see you in a more negative light, which can lower their attraction.
- If you want to get over your ex for good and you’re not working or living together, or share kids/pets, block them everywhere.
Generally, it’s best if you don’t talk to your ex and simply stick to no contact (modified or classic) regardless of circumstances. But what about in special cases like urgent events, emergencies, or incidents? Does reaching out then mean you broke no contact or not?
Well, to figure out if a particular action breaks the no contact rule, hone in on yourintentions— were they needy or non-needy?
For example, if your ex wished you ahappy birthdayand you replied by saying thanks — because it’s simply a kind gesture — you didn’t break no contact. Your action had anon-needyintent behind it, and it most likelydidn’taffect the re-attraction progress you’ve made till now nor did it severely re-open your breakup wounds.
However, if your ex wished you a happy birthday, and you took it as an opportunity to try and desperately force, cajole, manipulate, or convince them to give you another chance or give you closure, then youdidbreak no contact. Your action had aneedyintent behind it, and it most likelydidaffect your re-attraction progress and/or severely re-opened your breakup wounds.
What To Do If You Break (Or Keep Breaking) The No Contact Rule
Simply start again. Sure it sucks that you’ve lost your streak, but whatever you did before breaking no contact is not a waste.
We all get caught in the bullshit of doing something perfectly. Yet, that’s just not how reality unfolds 99% of the time. You will make mistakes, some bigger and some smaller. But rather than getting worked up about them, accept and learn from them.
Honestly discern the things that contributed to you breaking no contact, and limit them in the future. For example, if what got you to break no contact is a cheesy post about love on Facebook, delete the app from your phone.
Some people spend way too much time obsessing about their ex reaching out during no contact and how to respond if they do. And many breakup advice overcomplicates this essentially simple issue.
Here’s how I approach it.
How To Respond To Your Ex If You Want To Get Them Back
If your ex reached out at some point, they probably still have feelings for you, even if their contact was unrelated to the breakup or getting back together. The fact that they reached out is a huge indicator of attraction.
At this point, all you must do is engage in a 2-3 message long conversation (or a 5min phone call). Then, as soon as reasonable, invite them on a date. Say something like, “It’s nice hearing from you. Tell you what, I’d love to see you. When are you free to get together.” Then accept whatever answer they give you — including silence.
(If you want to go deeper into getting your ex on date,read this article).
How To Respond To Your Ex If You Want To Move On
If you decide you don’t want your ex back anymore after being in no contact, yet they reach out, I would say something like, “Hey, I’m still healing from our breakup. It would mean a lot if you wouldn’t contact me at this time.”
That being said, don’t feel like you have to shy away from other options. You can tell your ex to fuck off (not recommended). You can block them. You can ghost them. Or you can engage in a short 2-3 message long conversation (or a 5min phone call) and then say you have to go.
How To Respond To Your Ex If They’re Toxic
If your ex istoxic, you shouldn’t be trying to get them back because such as ex will likely try to hurt you in some way during no contact. Be that through texts, calls, or an unexpected visit.
That said, it’s always a good idea to mentally prepare yourself for their desperate, needy, angry, or guilt-tripping advances. Here are a few common behaviors to expect from a toxic ex:
- They’ll post photos with attractive people of the opposite sex on social media to make you jealous.
- They’ll play tricks on you and use reverse psychology to get you back.
- They’ll call/text you excessively.
- They’ll excessively call/text your family and close friends — mutual or not.
- They’ll lie about wanting you back and give you false hope just to break your heart again.
- They’ll threaten to harm themselves if you don’t get back together with them.
In any case, resist caving in or starting a fight with your ex. But, also be aware that just because you still care for them doesn’t mean you can’t call them out on their bullshit when they’re, say, guilt-tripping you. Or that just be cause they show up at your doorstep doesn’t mean you can’t tell them to go away. Or that just because they contact you doesn’t mean you even have to respond.
(Optional) Top Questions About The No Contact Rule
How Do You Know If A Dumper Regrets Breaking Up During No Contact?
There are several signs that your ex may be regretting the breakup during the no-contact period. Firstly, they may reach out to you unexpectedly, either through a text message or phone call. Secondly, they may show interest in your life by asking mutual friends about you or following you on social media. Additionally, they may become more active on social media, posting more frequently and appearing more “fun-loving” than usual. However, it’s important to remember that these signs don’t necessarily guarantee that your ex wants to reconcile, so proceed with caution. (For more information on this topic, I suggest reading this article on the stages of dumpers remorse).
How long does it take for an ex to miss you with no contact?
The average period lasts somewhere between 2 to 3 months, that is, until they miss you so much that they reach out. But there are always exceptions. Your ex could start missing you years after going no contact. Or they could start missing you only days after. It truly is different for everyone, because every relationship is different.
Does the no contact rule actually work?
Yes. According to a survey I sent a few months ago to my email subscribers (over 1500), the success rate of the no contact rule hovers around 70-90% in terms of an ex checking up on you or reaching out.
Will silence make my ex miss me?
Yes. Contrary to common belief, silence — a.k.a., the no contact rule — doesn’t make your ex miss you less (or forget about you), but more. Hence the saying, “attraction grows in space.” The longer you stay in no contact, the greater the chances of your ex reaching out become.
What are the 5 stages of no contact?
These stages are identical to the stages of getting back with an ex: Relief, Elation, Comparison, and Grieving/Regret. Note that we don’t always go through them in that specific order, nor do we graduate from one before we move on to the other and never revert to any previous stages.
What If My Ex Is Doing No Contact Too?
It’s a valid fear. I’ll give you that. But you need to accept that it’s not rational, logical, or based on an any intellectual basis. It just doesn’t make sense for your ex to be doing no contact. Chances are, your ex simply isn’t talking to you out of respect or because they genuinely don’t want you back at the moment. And that’s far different than no contact.
Does No Contact Also Help My Ex Heal?
Yes. But in the same way, it’s also causing them separation anxiety and is making their fading affect bias do its thing. This simply means that given sufficient time and space away from you, your ex’s negative emotions around your breakup fade, while the stronger, happier emotions remain, making them more likely to reach out — way more likely than if you’d be chasing after them.
What If My Ex Is Angry Because We Don’t Talk?
Anger means that they’re still emotionally invested in you. So if you want them back, that’s good news. But be cautious: you’re not going to get far with someone who’s upset. It’s best if you wait until your ex calls down before trying to engage with them in any meaningful way.
For Those who want to get their ex back…
If there’s one key piece of advice that you should take away from this article, it’s this:don’t commit to no contact to win your ex back. Commit to no contact to win yourself back.
That’s what the no contact rule is really for. That’s what it was always for. Raising your ex’s attraction and getting them back due to it is just one of its sexy side effects.
For Those who want get over their ex for good…
If there’s one key piece of advice that you should take away from this article, it’s this:Don’t overcomplicate it. Keep it stupid simple.
Eliminate your ex from your life (or distance yourself from them as much as possible). Then decide to not return — and keep remaking that decision in each and every moment, all until you’ve moved on and accepted your new life.
Top Resources For Going Even Deeper Into The No Contact Rule
- My Re-Attraction Cheat Sheet: a guide with quick information about every step of getting an ex back: how to reach out, become more attractive, handle no contact and dating, transition into and maintain a healthy relationship, and more.
- My Youtube Channel: I publish video tutorials and other fun shit every week.
- My Radical Re-Attraction Course: an interactive video course that teaches you how to permanently get your ex back without tricks, games, or looking desperate. It has an entire module dedicated to the no contact rule.
If you need more help getting your ex back, check out my Radical Re-Attraction Course. It includes hours of video and hundreds of pages of writing, and a community with exclusive weekly videos, private chat, and 1-on-1 coaching.
A Cheat Sheet For Pinpointing And Maximizing The Odds Of Reuniting With Your Ex
Take the guesswork out of re-attraction. This free cheat sheet will explain every step of getting an ex back, so you'll know exactly how to go about it: evaluating odds of success, raising interest, handling no contact, avoiding rejection, and more.
5 Stages Of A Rebound Relationship (And 3 Truth Bombs)
Learn all about the 5 stages of a rebound relationship, rebound psychology, and the 3 ways everyone misunderstands them.
32 Glaring Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back
Learn what influences exes to come back, 32 signs your ex will come back, why focusing on these signs is unhealthy, and what to do instead.
Where Do You Get Your Validation?
Many think it's unhealthy to seek validation. But that's not true. It is healthy (even normal) if you're seeking it from the right place.
15 Biases That Make You Overestimate Your Ex’s Attraction
Here are 15 biases that make you overestimate your ex’s overall attraction and make you want to rekindle things when you perhaps shouldn't.
6 Signs Your Ex Is Testing You And What To Do About It
Learn what tests are, how they look, the signs your ex is testing you, whether those signs are real or not, how to deal with tests, and more.
Who is Max Jancar? ›
About Max Jancar
I'm a blogger, entrepreneur, and author of two books: The Breakup Recovery Manual and Mastering Your Relationship From The Inside Out. I write unconventional and pragmatic personal development advice for people undergoing a breakup.
It can feel like an extreme move when you're still working to get over a breakup, but the truth is that cutting off contact with an ex is the fastest, most effective way to truly move on.What is the 21 day no contact rule? ›
Someone may still reach out to us, we may find ourselves reaching out to them. There are all manner of ways that we try and engage with each other. The 21-day no contact period is about detoxing from this situation for 21 days, giving 21 days of space.Is 2 months no contact too long? ›
While 30 days is a good rule of thumb, everybody is different. Some people move on really fast after a breakup, while other people take a long time. If 30 days pass and you still aren't ready, it's totally okay to extend your period of no contact.How long of no contact is too long? ›
60+ Days for No Contact – Getting Out There In The Dark Zone
Indeed, being separated for that long could have adverse effects on the viability of the relationship. So if you are thinking of having a really long no contact period, in excess of 50 or 60 days, you may want to reconsider and dial it back in.
The male mind during no contact
The no-contact rule male psychology forces him to recognize his loneliness. After a breakup, if you stop contacting him, he will feel free and enjoy this phase as much as he can. But, with time, the loneliness and guilt pang will start to kick in.
What is he thinking after 2 weeks of no contact? He starts to sense that maybe you might be gone forever. The No Rule Contact will help you see if the strings are attached in your relationship. If he doesn't hear anything from you, no calls or texts in two weeks' time he will start to worry.What is the 3 day rule for guys? ›
Popularized by the romcom, the three-day dating rule insists that a person wait three full days before contacting a potential suitor. A first-day text or call is too eager, a second-day contact seems planned, but three days is, somehow, the perfect amount of time.What are the 5 stages of no contact? ›
These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We don't necessarily go through them in any specific order, and we don't graduate from one before we move on to the other and never look back.What is the 3 months no contact rule? ›
What the post-breakup 3-month rule basically means is that all parties previously linked must wait three months before dating again. The reason for this societal dictation is to give the people involved a breather, some lead time, maybe a little room for forgiveness.
How long does it take a guy to realize he misses you? ›
So, a few weeks to two months is the answer to the question, “How long does it take for a guy to miss you?” Typically, men realize what they lost when they can't find a woman with their personality. By then, they learn not all women are the same, and they shouldn't have broken off the relationship.Does no contact work if you are the dumper? ›
Most of the time no contact with an emotionally unavailable man or woman works because it gives them the space and the time they need to think about themselves and their relationship. Often dumpers do come back because they have had the time to reflect on their actions and emotions.How long before he misses me with no contact? ›
In fact, based on our research you can expect the average ex to begin missing you anywhere between 2.5 to 5.2 months after a breakup assuming you put forth signals that you are “moving on from them.” We're going show you how we came to this conclusion by drawing on our knowledge on, Attachment Styles.Is 2 weeks no contact enough? ›
Roughly 4 weeks of time alone should be enough to get back into the normal rhythm of the single life. It might feel messy and strange at first, but after 30 days you may find yourself feeling much better. While 30 days is a good rule of thumb, everybody is different.Who should break no contact first? ›
Let your ex be the first one to break the no contact rule, especially if you're following it to try and get them back. It's easy to fall into a pattern of worrying about what other people think, but if reaching out to your ex and breaking the no contact rule is what's best for you, do it.Is 7 days no contact enough? ›
A week gives the person enough time to thoughtfully respond. Even though it's a little old-fashioned, some people will wait 3 days after a date to text you back to make you miss them more. Waiting any longer than a week could be a sign they're not interested, and it might be best to let the conversation die out.Does no contact make a man miss you? ›
Use the no contact rule
Does no contact make him miss you? Yes! One of the best ways to use silence after a breakup is to cut off all means of communication. That includes going silent on social media after a breakup.
Men respond to silence and distance emotionally.
When they don't hear from you for a while, their male instinct pushes them to find you and know how you feel. They want to see if you are fine, if you miss them or whether you value their existence. Strangely enough, it doesn't matter if you like him to not.
Guys realize what they lost when they finally slow down and learn some humility. Every man is on a hero's journey at some point in their life. They think their goals are what really matter. But at some point, sooner or later, a man will learn that the purpose of his goals is to contribute back to society.How to make a man miss you? ›
- Deliberately leave things behind. ...
- Give him some personal space. ...
- Make him wait before replying his texts. ...
- Take things slow. ...
- Wear a unique perfume. ...
- Add some mystery to your experiences together. ...
- Have adventures with him (and your friends)
How does he feel after 3 weeks of no contact? ›
After weeks of no word, he might begin to panic about losing you. He's been hoping and hoping you'll talk to him, but now he's realizing he'll be a permanent ex if he doesn't do something. He'll reflect deeply and, if he wants you back, make a plan to win you over.How do you know if he doesn't miss you? ›
- You always start the conversation.
- He doesn't check how you are.
- He's busy all the time.
- He seems to be distracted when you're together.
- He doesn't give genuine excuses.
- Long-drawn-out responses to your phone calls or messages.
- He is unresponsive to your phone calls or messages.
Use the 48-hour rule.
If your partner does something hurtful or that makes you angry, it's important to communicate it. If you aren't sure that you want to bring something up, try waiting 48 hours. If it's still bothering you, let them know.
Cushioning, according to Urban Dictionary, happens when someone is entertaining other potential romantic "options" while they're in a committed relationship.When should you let a man go? ›
When you feel alone, unheard or disrespected. When the situation is holding you back from growing and being who you want to be. When you stay, hoping and expecting things to get better. When you cry more than you laugh and love.How long is average no contact? ›
While 30 days is a good rule of thumb, everybody is different. Some people move on really fast after a breakup, while other people take a long time. If 30 days pass and you still aren't ready, it's totally okay to extend your period of no contact.How can you tell no contact is working? ›
If the messages they're sending you change from sweet to angry, you'll know that the no contact rule is really working. When they still can't get ahold of you, they'll probably realize that you're not going to come around, and they'll get sad about what they've lost.How do you stay strong during no contact? ›
- Write a letter to yourself. ...
- Give yourself room to grieve. ...
- Make a list of every terrible thing your partner ever did. ...
- Start a self-care list. ...
- Have a breakup buddy. ...
- Work on yourself. ...
- Start a new hobby. ...
- Give yourself some structure.
The “no contact rule” is so effective because it means a person has accepted the fact the relationship is over. Putting away mementos, blocking phone numbers, email addresses, and unfriending an ex on social media are catharsis actions.How does no contact affect a woman? ›
Going 'no-contact' with someone you spent a lot of time with and planned a future with can be painful. A woman experiencing the stages of no contact is likely to feel angry, sad, and lonely. While a woman is likely to feel sadness in the early stages of no contact, she will quickly get over her ex as time goes on.
What makes a man miss you more than usual? ›
Take your time replying to those frequent calls or texts by your man. You can even avoid his calls for some time to make him wonder what you're up to, especially if you've been bothered by him. To even spice things up, you can add that you were with another guy friend, which is enough to make him go crazy about you.How do you know if a guy is heartbroken? ›
If he avoids seeing you at all costs even though it is important, it is one of the signs he is heartbroken over you. He knows that when he sees you, the memories will come flooding, and it might be too much for him to handle. Also, he would ensure avoiding places where you are likely to show up.Why do men move on so quickly? ›
“There are likely several reasons for this,” she says. “Men are not reinforced or socialized for emotional communication the same way as women, relationships may often have a different functionality for men, and men at a certain younger age may not feel the same pressure about family planning and marriage.”What silence does to the dumper? ›
Silence after being dumped keeps the dumper totally confused. Being dumped by silent treatment will make your ex lose any sense of power they thought they had. Even if your ex was the one who decided to part ways, your sudden absence is going to make them re-evaluate things as they stand.Do dumpers feel sad? ›
It may seem cold if they seem like they don't care at you at all but our research has found that isn't entirely true. Dumpers do hurt just like dumpees but they have a different way of processing the grief than you do because they view relationships in a different way fundamentally.How do you know if a dumper has moved on? ›
- Communication Dwindles. Relationships are built on interactions, and if you're not in touch in one way or another — in person, on the phone, or elsewhere — there's not really a relationship. ...
- Interactions Become Less Fun. ...
- Interactions Become Less Awkward. ...
- They Get Serious With Someone Else.
He asks you lots of questions.
If he wants to know more about you, it's likely that he's been thinking about you. He may also ask you questions or get your opinion about something to see what you think, which is another major clue that you're often on his mind. If he says, “I was wondering what you like to do for fun.
Some people describe it as a dull ache, others as piercing, while still others experience it as a crushing sensation. The pain can last for a few seconds and then subside, or it can be chronic, hanging over your days and depleting you like just like the pain, say, of a back injury or a migraine.Should I talk to him after no contact? ›
Yes, you can just continue the no contact period indefinitely, but sending a message like this helps provide closure. If your ex was harboring hopes of getting back together, it'll help them realize they need to move on as well. Be polite but clear so there's no doubt about what you're saying. “Hope you're doing well.What is the success rate of 30 day no contact? ›
What is the success rate of no contact? The success rate of this rule is usually almost as high as 90% because the person who has broken up will inevitably contact you for one of two reasons.
Does the no contact rule fail? ›
According to my own internal research I estimate that about 80% of men and women who attempt the no contact rule will end up failing it. Therefore, you'll have a lot of individuals who attempt the no contact rule a second time around.What comes after no contact rule? ›
Take the Conversation to a More Personal Medium
You should strive to get more and more personal with them. If you are just emailing them immediately after no contact, you want to be texting them after a couple of weeks. If you have been texting for a few weeks, you should be trying to get on a phone call.
Sure, you might need some space from each other. That approach could be very beneficial. But if you were to implement No Contact fully, it is bound to backfire.How long does no contact take for them to miss you? ›
In fact, based on our research you can expect the average ex to begin missing you anywhere between 2.5 to 5.2 months after a breakup assuming you put forth signals that you are “moving on from them.”Will no contact work if he lost feelings? ›
Only then do you create an environment where an ex wants to revisit things with you. So, if that's the function of your no contact rule then yes, the no contact rule can work if he lost feelings for you. It can work on a lot of levels.Who breaks no contact first? ›
Let your ex be the first one to break the no contact rule, especially if you're following it to try and get them back. It's easy to fall into a pattern of worrying about what other people think, but if reaching out to your ex and breaking the no contact rule is what's best for you, do it.Is no contact rule ghosting? ›
Ghosting is not a form of breaking up, nor is it the same as No Contact. Ghosting is disappearing. Breaking up is when a person ends the relationship. No Contact is for after a breakup.Will no contact make her move on? ›
If no-contact lasts and you don't chase after her, a woman is likely to move on from the relationship. She'll be able to focus her attention on herself, as she will come to learn that she can be happy without you. On the other hand, the no contact rule for women isn't always permanent.