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Today we’re going to talk about exactly how long it usually takes for an ex to miss you after a breakup.
In fact, based on our research you can expect the average ex to begin missing you anywhere between 2.5 to 5.2 months after a breakup assuming you put forth signals that you are “moving on from them.”
We’re going show you how we came to this conclusion by drawing on our knowledge on,
- Attachment Styles
- Real Life Success Stories
- Client Interviews
The idea is to use all this knowledge to come up with a specific time frame based on research and psychology that is realistic.
Too often I see people claiming to expect an ex to miss you in something like 30 days when the reality is that this isn’t what we’ve seen in the field at all.
I’d like to put an end to all the speculation and come up with something today based on research.
First things first, when it comes to an ex missing you what kind of behaviors are we looking at?
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Creating The Missing Framework
So, when we talk about an ex missing you what kind of behaviors are we really looking at? Well, this isn’t rocket science so here’s what I think counts as an ex missing you,
- An ex admitting they miss you
- Asking you out on a date
- Bringing up positive emotional memories from your past
- Their response time to your texts is quick
- The conversations you have are much longer than normal
- They talk about “dreaming about you.”
- They start texting you during odd times (usually when they are alone.)
- Social media stalking
But here’s the thing with exes missing you. At first, it probably will feel like the behaviors listed above will never happen. After all, usually after a breakup most exes do everything they can to avoid you.
The Wheel Of Death
In fact, I’d encourage you to look at the emotional experience of the typical “ex” that we study by paying attention to the wheel of relationship death,
- They start out wanting someone to love them
- Then they find you, and at first, things are great
- But something about your behavior sets them off (we will talk about what that is in a minute)
- They use that as an excuse to think about leaving you
- Then they actually decide to leave the relationship
- Then of course they party and are happy they left the relationship
- But there is a loneliness in the silence and they start to grow depressed
- They ultimately sit and wonder why this always happens to them. Why can’t I ever find the one?
Which in turn leads them to start the cycle over and over again. They are trapped in a prison of their own making and the crazy part is most of the time they aren’t even aware of it.
Now, I’m going to use this cycle a lot throughout this article to explain when you can expect your ex to miss you and I’m going to back it up with real research.
So, let’s start with a personal favorite topic of mine.
The Avoidant Attachment Nostalgia Factor
Recently, I’ve poured most of my research time into better understanding avoidant attachments but without going too far into the weeds everything I’m going to talk about in this section of the article can be found by watching this video,
Specifically the part about the “nostalgia factor.”
But first things first, most of the exes we’ve studied tend to be avoidant,
This means that they are fiercely protective of their independence. In fact, I think an argument can be made that when it comes to relationships they are usually happy until the person they are with threatens that independence.
For those counting, that would be this part of the wheel of death,
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At the first sign of trouble they actually use it to self sabotage the relationship. In fact, according to free to attach,
At this point, although avoidants ultimately want connection and a secure long-term attachment like the rest of us, they will start to avoid it, self-sabotage and push away for protection. Having learnt not to expect to be reliably happy around caregivers – that love comes with a degree of neglect – they are always expecting something to go wrong, and their subconscious mind moves to recreate this output.
At the heart of every avoidant lies an interesting paradox.
They want love more than anything else but they won’t let anyone close enough to give them that love.
But something fascinating happens right around here on the wheel of death after they ultimately break up with their partner,
A type of nostalgia kicks in. It’s at this point that we have found exes are most likely to fall victim to missing you.
From a psychological perspective what’s going on?
Well, a lot of things.
There is obviously the self loathing aspect kicking in. The feeling sorry for oneself here,
But it all culminates in this nostalgia phenomenon where they can finally feel “safe” missing you. Once again pulling from Free To Attach,
Without the danger of reciprocity (so particularly after an ex has moved on), liberation from the fear of engulfment finally gives free reign to an avoidant’s latent romanticism. An ex being truly unavailable may even produce a perverse enjoyment – they are at liberty to fully miss and think wistfully of them while it also confirms their self-belief people won’t stick around them (sometimes in relationships they may imagine their partner with another to trigger this)
This is often why it can seem like it takes FOREVER for an avoidant ex to miss you and brings me nicely to the next bit of research I’d like to pull up for you.
Learning From Our Success Stories
One of the pages that often gets overlooked on our website is our success story page,
I’m proud of it because I feel like Ex Boyfriend Recovery is one of the only outfits that actually interviews our clients in depth on how they succeeded in making an ex come back.
But what’s particularly relevant about that page is we’ve combined all of our information into bite sized snippets so you can see what real success looks like and how long it typically takes,
The thing that probably jumps out to you immediately on that page is the success time frame.
On average it takes our clients about 5.2 months to see success in getting their ex back after they begin working with us.
The key part to remember there is “after they start working with us.”
So, all of those “get your ex back programs” that claim they can get your ex back in 30 days… Well, let’s just put it this way. Based on everything we’ve actually experienced they are complete bullsh*t.
And the science backs us up on that.
An avoidant, the average attachment style of our clients ex, isn’t going to even entertain the idea of missing you until they feel like you’ve completely moved on from them. Only then will they feel safe enough to miss you.
And you know what it takes for them to “feel safe?”
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Time!
Of course, if you want to get really technical here exes probably do begin missing you a tad earlier than 5.2 months. In fact, many times we first notice the signs of them missing you during the texting phase of the value ladder,
So, usually right around 2.5 months is when the first signs of an ex missing you start to fall through but it’s a delicate tightrope you are forced to walk.
Any type of overly anxious behavior can actually trigger an avoidant again and then it’s as if the clock starts all over.
So yes, you need to have emotional control before you even entertain the idea of texting an ex. In fact, this is why we make it a point to focus our no contact periods around “outgrowing” an ex.
We know that if you can authentically get to a place emotionally where you are ok not getting an ex back then you are actually more likely to make them miss you.
Why?
Well again, it harkens back to that nostalgia factor. It puts forth signals to the avoidant that you have “moved on” and it’s at that point the nostalgia kicks in and they can begin missing you.
One final point, this outgrowth mindset. It’s not something you can fake either. You actually have to make an effort to outgrow your ex.
So, what are you waiting for?
FAQs
How long does it take for an ex to come back to no contact? ›
Plan how long you want the no contact period to last.
4 weeks is generally considered to be enough time for your ex to change their mind about the breakup if they're going to do it. That being said, follow it for as long or short as you feel is right. Whether you want to set an exact date to end on is up to you.
We conducted a study on people who get their ex back and keep them and we found that most people who get their ex back and stay with their ex, took at least one month to get back together. In most cases, people reconciled within 1-6 months of breaking up.
How long does it take for him to miss me during no contact? ›Today I'm going to show you the eight definitive signs that a man is missing you during a no contact rule. Usually this period of time lasts anywhere between 21-45 days. Of course, for many of our clients are left wondering how they can tell if it is even working.
How long does it take to contact an ex? ›The no-contact rule refers to cutting off all contact with an ex following a breakup, and it's the best method for moving on from an ex. No contact should last for a minimum of 60 days, and it includes no texting, no calling, and no interacting on social media.
How do you know if your ex will reach out? ›- 1 They leave your number unblocked.
- 2 They're sad weeks after the breakup.
- 3 They're active on your social media.
- 4 They haven't returned your things.
- 5 They keep in touch with your friends and family.
- 6 They initiate contact regularly.
- 7 They reminisce about the past.
Some people may be asking, “Does No Contact work?”. While everyone's ex is different, the No Contact Rule does increase the likelihood of your ex missing you and wanting to come back. In essence, it will show them that you are not available for them whenever they want you and that you have your own life to live.
How do you know if your ex doesn't miss you? ›- You always start the conversation.
- He doesn't check how you are.
- He's busy all the time.
- He seems to be distracted when you're together.
- He doesn't give genuine excuses.
- Long-drawn-out responses to your phone calls or messages.
- He is unresponsive to your phone calls or messages.
- 1 They found someone else.
- 2 They're enjoying their life.
- 3 They're reinventing themselves.
- 4 They don't want to be friends.
- 5 They block you.
- 6 They deleted all your photos together.
- 7 They physically avoid you.
- 8 They act cold toward you.
- Do Not Try To Contact Them. ...
- Do Not Receive Their Calls And Respond To Their Texts. ...
- Reinvent Yourself. ...
- Meet New People And Make New Friends. ...
- Talk To Their Friends. ...
- Check Out The Outside Dating World. ...
- Take A Vacation. ...
- Be Active On Social Media.
After weeks of no word, he might begin to panic about losing you. He's been hoping and hoping you'll talk to him, but now he's realizing he'll be a permanent ex if he doesn't do something. He'll reflect deeply and, if he wants you back, make a plan to win you over.
What is the give him 3 days rule? ›
Popularized by the romcom, the three-day dating rule insists that a person wait three full days before contacting a potential suitor. A first-day text or call is too eager, a second-day contact seems planned, but three days is, somehow, the perfect amount of time.
How do I know if he is thinking about me? ›He asks you lots of questions.
If he wants to know more about you, it's likely that he's been thinking about you. He may also ask you questions or get your opinion about something to see what you think, which is another major clue that you're often on his mind. If he says, “I was wondering what you like to do for fun.
What the post-breakup 3-month rule basically means is that all parties previously linked must wait three months before dating again. The reason for this societal dictation is to give the people involved a breather, some lead time, maybe a little room for forgiveness.
Is 4 months of no contact too long? ›After 4-12 Months Of No Contact
This is a period of acceptance. During it, your chances of full recovery will be sky-high. Just don't get me wrong: this doesn't necessarily mean getting over an ex or losing the desire to get back with them.
- They begin to communicate with you.
- They apologize for the breakup.
- They show more affection.
- They discuss issues in their present relationship.
- They try to atone for past mistakes.
- They show pessimism when you tell them someone else is involved.
- They stalk you.
Even though your ex broke up with you, the reaching out is an indication there's a part of them that misses you - even if they don't say that in their message or call. What it doesn't necessarily mean, is that they want to get back together.
How do I make my ex want me back? ›- Give Them Space. ...
- Apply the No Contact Rule (Yes, Even on Social Media) ...
- Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. ...
- Make Some Positive Changes in Your Appearance. ...
- Make Some Positive Changes in Your Mentality. ...
- Allow Yourself to Grieve for a While. ...
- Write a Journal.
You must cut ties with your ex, especially if you're in a new relationship. Your current partner is there to provide you with love and care, not your ex. After you realize your ex is an ex for a reason, you can then move forward and live the fulfilling life you desire.
What no contact does to a man? ›The male mind during no contact
The no-contact rule male psychology forces him to recognize his loneliness. After a breakup, if you stop contacting him, he will feel free and enjoy this phase as much as he can. But, with time, the loneliness and guilt pang will start to kick in.
Yes, an ex misses you during No Contact. They miss you because they no longer have what they used to have. Your ex misses you even though you don't talk because they have time to adjust to your absence. This will help them reflect and miss you more.
How do I know my ex has moved on? ›
- Communication Dwindles. Relationships are built on interactions, and if you're not in touch in one way or another — in person, on the phone, or elsewhere — there's not really a relationship. ...
- Interactions Become Less Fun. ...
- Interactions Become Less Awkward. ...
- They Get Serious With Someone Else.
When guys start to miss you after a breakup depends on the man and his relationship. For some men, it may take weeks, while for others, missing their ex doesn't start until months later. Nonetheless, guys start missing you when they realize how important you are or how much your absence affects their lives.
What are the real chances of your ex coming back? ›Yes, exes do come back. They do it all time. We conducted a study and found that around 30% of people get their exes back after a breakup. But out of those 30%, only 15% stay together in a healthy relationship.
How do you know if your ex is happy without you? ›If your ex is doing things they've never done before, it's another sign that they're doing well without you. Maybe they have a new hobby or are going out with friends more often. They might be feeling more confident and unafraid to try new things.
Will my toxic ex miss me? ›Your ex probably won't miss you if your relationship was short (1-3 months), a rebound, or strewn with toxicity (i.e., cheating, lying, abuse). That said, walking away and letting them go still gives you the best chance of making them miss you.
How do I make my ex realize his mistake? ›...
- Stay away a bit. ...
- Don't argue at all. ...
- Never ever talk about past experiences. ...
- Focus on yourself. ...
- Be the future you.
Guys realize what they lost when they finally slow down and learn some humility. Every man is on a hero's journey at some point in their life. They think their goals are what really matter. But at some point, sooner or later, a man will learn that the purpose of his goals is to contribute back to society.
How long can I give him space? ›How long to give him space? There is no fixed time, and it could be weeks or months, depending on your relationship status. If your guy has asked you for space, give him all the time he needs and wait for him to reach out to you when he is sorted.
How long do you give someone space for? ›How long should space in a relationship last? Ultimately, this depends on what you and your partner decide is best for your relationship. “Space can be from a couple of hours to a couple of days or weeks,” says Ruiz, though he generally doesn't recommend his clients take longer than 3 to 4 weeks.
How many days does it take to let go of someone? ›When looking at the timeline of breakups, many sites refer to a “study” that's actually a consumer poll a market research company conducted on behalf of Yelp. The poll's results suggest it takes an average of about 3.5 months to heal, while recovering after divorce might take closer to 1.5 years, if not longer.
Can someone feel that you miss them? ›
Definitely, not all people but some people can sense it, especially empaths. An empath or someone you're in sync with can catch your vibrations easily and this can often clue them into what you are thinking or feeling.
How do you know if you are on someone's mind? ›06/6Tense mind
This is because your mind is trying to create tension. It feels you being mentioned by someone else and so it is trying to warn you to open your eye and look around. Even hiccups are a sign of someone thinking about you. They're one of the signs of a tense mind and negative energy.
Notice how often they call or text.
Everyone has different styles around communication, but frequent phone calls and messages are a good sign of investment in a relationship. If the person is kind of popping in and out of your life to check on you, they're probably missing you and wondering how you feel.
A week gives the person enough time to thoughtfully respond. Even though it's a little old-fashioned, some people will wait 3 days after a date to text you back to make you miss them more. Waiting any longer than a week could be a sign they're not interested, and it might be best to let the conversation die out.
Does no contact make your ex miss you? ›No, your ex won't forget about you during the No Contact Rule. It will be just a way to give your ex a distant and different approach to you. On the contrary, it will be a tool to make your ex cross his or her mind without being too clingy on this person.
Is 3 weeks no contact enough? ›How long is the no contact rule? Well, no contact usually lasts for a minimum of 30 consecutive days, but plenty of experts say more like 60 days is better. And some people choose to go as long as 6 months to really make sure they've moved on before letting their ex back in their life.
Do short term dumpers come back? ›Often dumpers do come back because they have had the time to reflect on their actions and emotions. No contact means that at least a temporarily unavailable man or woman has the time to think about the relationship and what might stop them from connecting with you or being emotionally intimate.
How do you know if he misses you without contact? ›You feel the strong energy around you
One simple way to know that he misses you during the no contact phase is that you feel it within you. It could come as a sudden thought about them, the longing to reconnect, or just wishful thinking about how things could have turned out differently.
If you don't hear back, it could mean they've decided that going “no contact” — which typically lasts for about 30 days — is the best way to move on. Spira suggests waiting those full 30 days before sending a follow-up text if the breakup was bad or recent.
What is 21 days of no contact? ›Someone may still reach out to us, we may find ourselves reaching out to them. There are all manner of ways that we try and engage with each other. The 21-day no contact period is about detoxing from this situation for 21 days, giving 21 days of space.
How do I stop thinking about my ex during no contact? ›
- Distract yourself so you're literally too busy to even think about them. ...
- Establish some boundaries with yourself. ...
- Give yourself some time to feel sad, or mad, or angry, or literally whatever. ...
- Understand that you may still have lingering feelings for this person, and that's okay. ...
- Indulge in alllll the self care.
What Is The Hardest Day Of No Contact? Immediately after you start it. Limited no contact breaks. The day/s where you aren't hearing from them.