In today’s blog I want to discuss the dismissive avoidant and whether or not they miss you. This will be short and to the point. Yes, the dismissive avoidant misses you, but they miss you later on.
In the beginning they're going to be relieved that they have their freedom. They can get their independence back and they get to go and do what they want to do without having to answer any questions to anybody.
I see too often people bash dismissive avoidants and make them feel as if they're evil villains, but they're not. They feel the same way that we feel. They have emotions the same way that we do, they just feel them differently and they don’t feel them as intensely as a person that is anxious preoccupied.
What they miss about the relationship is the togetherness and the closeness. They may not miss the relationship in itself because relationships take a lot of work. They don't like that. They don't like to have to deal with all the negative feelings and emotions that come along with having these really deep conversations all the time. They are people who do feel and this is coming from lots of dismissive avoidants that I've worked with; and a lot of anxious preoccupied people who have also been able to re-attract their dismissive avoidant ex.
They do feel, they just don't like the feeling of vulnerability. Part of the reason because they had to be so strong for so long, so having to show all of their wounds and all of their insecurities to somebody is a very vulnerable and unsafe space for them.I know many people are reluctant to believe that the dismissive avoidant ever cared about them, but I can assure you that they did care for you. Those moments where you were together and they were really there and present with you, they did care for you. Just at some point something happened that made them deactivate from you.
Throughout the first 90 days (honeymoon phase) you fall in love with the “trial version” of that person. The one that gave you all the benefits and all of the love. You see lots of potential in them and we get hooked on the potential of what that person could be.
You have to understand this has nothing to do with you. They have been scarred. Even if it wasn't abandonment, it could have been something that was formed as a child. I would say for a high percentage of those people it was something that happened to them as a child, so this is just their way of functioning.
If you're the dismissive avoidant reading this blog, listen, I want you to understand this. We do love you and we do care for you. It's really hard for us to come closer towards you if you shut us out. Not everybody's going to hurt you. Not everybody's going to try to take advantage of you. I know that when people are showing you genuine love, you feel like you're being manipulated, but that's not the case.
I'm sorry if something happened to you in the past that actually proved that to be false. When you're feeling like you're detaching and you're deactivating from somebody, we really want you to communicate with us. State specifically what it is you want for us to do instead of running away. The more that you run away from that person that's coming towards you, the more they're going to want to chase. If you're able to, just pause, let them know how you're feeling, let them know you need some time, and ask for some space.
Then, I want you to take it a step further. Don't just say time and space, give them some type of time frame. For example, ask them to give you a couple days or weeks in order to sort your thoughts out and understand how you’re really feeling about this situation. Let them know you’re getting overwhelmed.
That will help you out in two ways. One, it’s going to help you out by allowing the other person to have a little bit of clarity on where their future is going because anxious people are anxious about the future. That will give them a little bit of clarity and something substantial to grasp onto when they're feeling like things are spiraling out of control.
And two, it's also going to give you the freedom from your anxiety too. You don't have to feel a certain way when you back away because you have stated clearly what you needed and what you wanted in order to feel safe and feel comfortable. Just that communication alone is going to go a long way as far as helping you heal your style as well as helping that person become more relieved from their anxiety.
What makes an avoidant ex miss you? ›
Give them space when they pull away.
Avoidants need lots of space to feel comfortable in a relationship. Since they're afraid of commitment, spending too much time with them will make them feel smothered. When they start to grow distant, respect their need for time apart, even though it might be hard.
The truth is, we've found that most exes who are avoidant will usually not reach out to an ex on their own accord because it usually triggers two things within them; A feeling of trauma and vulnerability that they aren't comfortable with.Do dismissive Avoidants reach out after no contact? ›
They're always looking for the red flags, and they will find them, so when you go no contact with the dismissive avoidant, don't expect them to reach out to you. They won't text you because likely when you were in a relationship with them, you were the one to initiate most of the contact.Do dismissive avoidants come back after ghosting? ›
Avoidants do sometimes cycle back around to those they have shut out, disappeared on, and ignored. However, just because they come back this doesn't mean this is a viable relationship.Will my dismissive avoidant ex miss me? ›
Yes, the dismissive avoidant misses you, but they miss you later on. In the beginning they're going to be relieved that they have their freedom. They can get their independence back and they get to go and do what they want to do without having to answer any questions to anybody.How do Avoidants feel about their ex? ›
In spite of the fact that avoidants may regret breaking up, they may regard their ex-partner negatively, and convince themselves that the breakup was their ex's fault. Thus, they may talk themselves into thinking that the breakup was the best decision they ever made.Do Avoidants regret pushing you away? ›
Do Avoidants regret pushing you away? The fearful avoidant will typically go through a period of euphoria after a breakup due to their newfound freedom from the confines of the relationship. However, that doesn't mean they won't eventually regret the breakup.Does dismissive avoidant regret breakup? ›
Yes. Some dismissive avoidants feel regret the break-up as soon as it happens, especially if they had formed some form of attachment. Some dismissive avoidants try to get back together right after the break-up and other's offer a friendship out of regret.Do avoidants respond to no contact? ›
The avoidant, or the dismissive avoidant will avoid all things about their ex after a breakup (this usually happens during the no contact rule.) After enough of this avoidant behavior feelings slowly begin to bubble to the surface. This makes them want to suppress those feelings.Do dismissive Avoidants care about you? ›
People with a dismissive avoidant attachment style are often described as lacking the desire to form or maintain social bonds, and they don't seem to value close relationships. These people report, for example, that they are comfortable without close emotional relationships and prefer not to depend on others.
How long do Avoidants pull away for? ›
So a lot of the times you'll see them recover within the next three to five days so leaving them alone is really a great way to deal with the situation. Of course, it's always easier said than done especially when many of our clients have anxious attachment styles.Why do avoidants ignore text messages? ›
During the initial stages of getting to know someone, avoidants typically avoid texting. You'll find that they don't text too much. They need time and space to get to know you before they can text you more freely. Avoid bombarding them with texts during this stage.Do Avoidants eventually come back? ›
We have found that on average a fearful avoidant will not initiate a reconnection with you. However, there is a window of time where they do consider it and if you time it right you can get them to come back if that's what you want.What makes an avoidant ex come back? ›
The first reason a dismissive avoidant ex may come back to you is if the relationship ended on neutral or positive terms. People with this attachment style aren't big on processing difficult emotions because, often, they struggle with emotional intelligence.How long does it take a dismissive avoidant to move on? ›
As far as the dismissive more specifically, most likely they'll just fade to black and you won't hear from them after that first month. Around almost a two month mark is when the dismissive avoidant is going to really start to feel things. They are going to start feeling the breakup.What does a dismissive avoidant do after a breakup? ›
Dismissive-avoidant after breakup: short-term
So in the aftermath of a painful breakup, they are less likely to turn to friends and family. They want to deal with things on their own. And when it comes to challenging, romantic feelings, airing their 'dirty laundry' is often the last thing they want to do.
The first thing that you want to do in order to re-attract your dismissive avoidant ex, is to back away and give them the time and the space. That can be really difficult for the anxious preoccupied to do because they are often triggered and their anxiety is going all over the place.How do Avoidants feel after a breakup? ›
Avoidants will use many justifications (to themselves as well as others) to avoid exposing these basic truths. They have fewer break-up regrets and feel relieved at leaving their partner, but will then seek out someone the same.Will my avoidant ex regret? ›
The fearful avoidant will typically go through a period of euphoria after a breakup due to their newfound freedom from the confines of the relationship. However, that doesn't mean they won't eventually regret the breakup.Do avoidant attachment go back to their ex? ›
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to lose interest in relationships and quickly move on to someone “more compatible”. They have an internal detachment mechanism.. Sometimes an avoidant ex will come back after some time because they've had enough distance from you to start to idealize you again..
How much space do you give an avoidant? ›
Allow them space to move at their own pace. Your willingness to be patient and without demand in the short term will render success in the long term. they will allow you to be around them, but not close to them; at least not until they feel safe enough to let you in.Do Avoidants push away people they love? ›
They desperately want to feel connected but have a hard time trusting others. They tend to rely on themselves and often see themselves as abandoned, but they push people away, in actuality. There is a constant fear that their partner will view them in a negative light and leave.
According to Schumann and Orehek, avoidant individuals were less likely to offer a comprehensive apology. Instead, they were defensive, prone to justify their behavior, blame the other person and make excuses.Do dismissive Avoidants fear abandonment? ›
People with a dismissive-avoidant style are not afraid of abandonment or the end of a relationship. When conflicts happen, a person with this attachment style often starts looking for the fastest way out of the relationship.What does love feel like for a dismissive avoidant? ›
An avoidant-dismissive partner finds it very hard to commit to a loving relationship. They appear to have higher self-esteem, but stay emotionally distant due to emotional intimacy and trust being very difficult for them.What to do when an avoidant pushes you away? ›
What you can do: Don't take it personally if they need some emotional space for a short time. Let them feel safe with their own thoughts and desires, and don't push them to talk to you about it until they are ready. If you try to push them too much, they will only withdraw more. Be patient.Why do Avoidants disappear? ›
Avoidant-attachment style personalities aren't emotionally mature enough to tell their partner the truth about how they feel, so they disappear when they become threatened with feeling vulnerable or close to someone.How do I get Avoidants to talk to me again? ›
- Be patient. ...
- Create an atmosphere of safety. ...
- Respect cultural differences. ...
- Try to understand how they view 'needs' ...
- Avoid controlling their behaviors. ...
- If possible, offer alone time. ...
- Try not to interrupt their space.
As such, individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to deny feelings and take their sovereignty to an extreme. They don't rely on others and don't want others to rely on them, they keep their innermost thoughts to themselves, and they find it difficult to ask for help.Why is my avoidant ex ignoring me? ›
So, the first thing you need to do when figuring out why someone is ignoring you is determining if they have an avoidant attachment style. Essentially someone with an avoidant attachment style has a fear of intimacy when they feel like their personal freedoms are becoming threatened.
What makes a dismissive avoidant feel safe? ›
Avoidant personalities often feel like they can't rely on anyone. By showing your partner that you're reliable and dependable, they're much more likely to trust you. Make sure that you always keep your word, and be 100% honest with your partner.Why do dismissive Avoidants want to be alone? ›
This is the #1 characteristic of someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style. They don't want to depend on you and they don't want you to depend on them. They want their freedom and independence and want (or at least think that they want) you to be the same way.
Give them space when they pull away. Avoidants need lots of space to feel comfortable in a relationship. Since they're afraid of commitment, spending too much time with them will make them feel smothered. When they start to grow distant, respect their need for time apart, even though it might be hard.How do Avoidants detach? ›
How do Avoidants detach? Children with avoidant attachment may also disconnect from their own needs and feelings. These children may learn to self-soothe and feel as though they can only rely on themselves. As a result, they have little motivation or trust to seek help or support from others.Why do Avoidants send mixed messages? ›
Mixed signals can definitely mean that the other person isn't going all in on you, but that's not the only answer at play. Often, those who give off mixed signals have avoidant attachment styles, a learned coping strategy where the person shies away from closeness and intimacy because it makes them uncomfortable.How do you show an avoidant you care? ›
An avoidant partner needs to trust that you're there for them without being overly clingy. They also tend to watch behaviors intently to believe that. So, doing things together to create positive feelings will build trust over time. Examples include reading, walking, and going to shows together, amongst others.Do Avoidants ever miss someone? ›
Yes, an avoidant misses you. They are just afraid of recognizing the feelings that they have. An avoidant will miss you, the moment they realize that they have lost you forever. This is not easy for them too because at one moment everything is lovely for them.What makes an avoidant regret? ›
We already know that regret for a fearful avoidant doesn't come until they feel safe to feel regret. Usually that means “you've moved on to someone else” or you haven't talked to them in a long time. The problem we see with most of our clients is their inability to control their anxious behaviors.Do Avoidants return after no contact? ›
Avoidants do sometimes cycle back around to those they have shut out, disappeared on, and ignored. However, just because they come back this doesn't mean this is a viable relationship.How do you know if an avoidant wants you back? ›
- They are consistent – Consistency for a fearful avoidant is not reaching out every day or even every other day, though this may happen with an anxious fearful avoidant ex. ...
- They're putting in the effort – and want you to know they're trying.
How long does it take for a dismissive avoidant to miss you? ›
An avoidant will miss you, the moment they realize that they have lost you forever. This is not easy for them too because at one moment everything is lovely for them. What is this? They want to get to know you more, but when the connection feels too heavy for them, they backup.How long do Avoidants disappear for? ›
How long do Avoidants pull away for? So a lot of the times you'll see them recover within the next three to five days so leaving them alone is really a great way to deal with the situation. Of course, it's always easier said than done especially when many of our clients have anxious attachment styles.Do Avoidants admit their feelings? ›
Avoidant partners may fail to acknowledge your feelings or rarely express their own emotions. They may not know how to handle emotional conversations or issues. If you have an emotional response, they may tell you it makes no sense or try to reason you out of your feelings.How a dismissive avoidant deals with a breakup? ›
The dismissive avoidant tends to ruminate on the break-up for quite a while. To the anxious preoccupied, that's going to look to them as if the person just doesn't care, but that's not the case. They need the time to sit with their feelings and understand if the break-up was an overreaction or not.How do Avoidants respond to no contact? ›
A fearful avoidant during no contact acts slightly differently from other attachment styles. Going no contact with them can become extremely distracting and often requires a lot of discipline. The fearful-avoidant does not express remorse or sadness over heartbreak in the initial weeks of the breakup.Why do Avoidants suddenly disappear? ›
Avoidant-attachment style personalities aren't emotionally mature enough to tell their partner the truth about how they feel, so they disappear when they become threatened with feeling vulnerable or close to someone.